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Why?

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So here I am again, sitting here asking this question. The worst part about this question is the lack of answers that could provide understanding and insight into my current situation. So I go looking for them. I ask people, I do web searches, I ask God, I read the scriptures and I align myself with answers that I relate with the most. I apply these answers to my situation to provide some understanding and wisdom on how to move forward. Once again, I am hopeful! It seems things will get better because the applied answers seem to be producing results. I shout with glee as it seems that I am making progress and will have a testimony soon but alas! Once again, I am right back where I started.

They say comparison is the thief of joy, but it is a difficult thing not to do, when almost everyone around you seems to be progressing, not necessarily because they are toiling harder or better than you, and yet you seem to be stuck…or perhaps regressing. Are my mistakes just worse than everyone around me? Am I seeking the wrong path? Why can’t I hear God clearly as everyone else seems to be hearing him? Why the incessant disappointments?

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

There are many things that happen to me, my loved ones and so many wonderful people in this world that I will never understand, no matter how much I try to. That’s where I need God’s peace that surpasses all understanding. As a very capable and qualified candidate, why have I toiled so much to get a good job, been through so many interviews, done my best to improve my resume and interview skills, been asked for references a few times, gotten so close and I still haven’t received a job offer for over 7 months? Yet, there are people who get all sorts of opportunities without doing so much. Why am I seeking gainful employment, willing and ready to work, yet there are people who have the gainful employment that I seek that take it for granted? Why am I stuck in this city without the love and support of my loved ones who are continents away from me, yet there are people who have their family close to them and complain bitterly? Why have I been asking God to show me what path to take regarding my career and location for years, yet there are people who ask Him just once and receive a novel worth of revelation? Why are there couples who would give everything they have to welcome a child into their lives & homes, yet there are unfit parents getting pregnant and bearing children that they would be happy discarding? Why do people who I think will remain in my life forever, just fade away like they never existed? What am I doing wrong?

I have so many fears. I wonder how long this season of my life will last and although I know, by God’s grace, I will have a story to tell once I have overcome it, I don’t want the end result to be one of mediocrity. I can’t come this far just to have it end in a situation that is nothing to write home about. I have also been contemplating taking on a different path that will surely have challenges of its own and it is quite frightening. The thing I want to know is if this is the path that God wants me to take, so that no matter what the obstacles are, I know that I am on the right path. But I don’t know that yet. I am asking Him and He hasn’t answered me yet. That’s where I reflect on Jeremiah 29:11, where God says he knows the plans He has for me and in Him, I have a hope and a good future. I cannot see even a flicker of this promise right now in my life but that’s where my faith and trust comes in. God’s word also says quite a few times that I shouldn’t be afraid and that He will never leave me or abandon me. In this season of difficulty, absence of support from loved ones, unrest and a lack of understanding about my situation amidst a global pandemic, I turn to Christ Jesus, who is the author and finisher of my faith. He has promised and He is able to do what He says He will do. It is not my job to figure out the logistics of how and when He will answer my prayers and wipe my tears away, it is His. He has asked me to trust Him and that I will do, no matter how difficult.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5 NIV

When I am left asking “why”, I choose to remember that He is God and I am not. When I am left asking “why”, with tear stained cheeks & a mind overflowing with questions, I will open the word of God and meditate on it. When I am left asking “why”, with no one to help me or comfort me, I will remember not to change my name to identify with my pain. Pain and disappointments are not my identity. Even if this is the bulk of what I am experiencing right now, it is not who I am. I need to focus on who God is and what He says of me and not my pain and situation. I know what it is to be depressed and suicidal and it is not a place I want to ever visit again. So when I am left asking “why”, I will cry out to Jehovah Rapha – the God who heals my diseases, my broken heart, my bitterness, anxiety, pain and disappointments. He has promised to be with me until the end and has sent the comforter and advocate, the Holy Spirit. Never will He leave me, never will He abandon me.

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