Photo Source: Peaceful Yoga
She took one last look at herself in the mirror. She would never see her face again. Her hair was a tangled curly mess. Her eyes were swollen and red from crying all day. She had made her decision.
She began putting on her clothes very slowly until she got the final piece of clothing-her jacket. She stared at it for a while. This was not her favourite jacket but it was the warmest one she had. Should she wear this jacket instead of her favourite one if it was the last jacket she was going to wear? She shrugged. What difference would it make?
She carried her wallet and phone with her and got into her car. Sitting down in the driver’s seat for a few minutes and looking out the window was not doing anything to calm her nerves so she decided to get out of the car and walk. Yes, she wanted to do this but she didn’t want to hurt anyone else in the process. Anyone else. She thought about her family, her friends; should she leave a note, a letter, something? What would she say? Hey I decided to end it all but please don’t cry for me. I love you all but I am not enough for you. You will forget all about me in a little while. Your lives would be better without me. I don’t want to do this but I can’t live like this anymore. I need help but no one can help me.
It was a cold and windy evening and the sun was not smiling today. She dug her hands deeper into the pockets of her jacket and tried to walk faster as the cold wind slapped across her face and caused her eyes to water. She looked up and saw a rat crossing the street. A little girl holding her mother’s hand shouted, “Look mummy! A big rat! Look!” The woman hushed the little girl and held her hand tighter as they crossed the street. She had always wondered what kind of mother she would be. Now, she would never know. I would not want to bring a child into this world and have them go through the misery of having a mother like me anyways. She thought.
She decided to take the train to the mountain. She could have driven herself there but she was too nervous. She would get off from the train station and walk to the mountain from there. As she waited for the train, she thought about the how much fun she had with her friends from her painting class when they went up there the week before for a hike. She had thought that the view from the mountain was spectacular. Heavenly. Peaceful.
Peace. The word had now come into her thoughts and refused to leave. Peace. No! She didn’t want to think about this now. If she had to do this, she needed to keep focusing on her negative thoughts. Peace. Peace. Peace. It replayed in her mind like a recording. I want it. She thought. I want peace. I don’t want to do this. I want to feel peace.
As she alighted from the train and began her walk to the mountain, she thought about the jump. Would she hesitate? Should she hesitate? Should she do or say anything before the jump? Was it wise to say a prayer? As soon as she thought about a prayer, she passed a church building with a huge white cross right in front of it. She stopped walking and stared at it. The cross was encased in glass with fluorescent bulbs in it making it shine so brightly in the darkness of the evening.
Peace. The word came to her again. The tears began to flow anew. Without thinking, she went to kneel in front of the cross and hugged it. The glass was not as hot as thought it was going to be but she hugged it so tightly that she thought she might break it. She didn’t want to go up to that mountain and do this. It was late and dark and all wanted was a hug and peace.
She said a prayer from her heart. “Lord, this is Caroline. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to jump. I just want to feel your peace. Lord please come and heal my brokenness and make me whole. I don’t want to hurt myself or hurt my loved ones. I want to be an instrument of your peace. I want to feel it, know it and embrace it all the days of my life. Please Lord! Please! This is Caroline! Please hear me and answer me in Jesus name. Amen.”
She got up and sat by the cross and cried for over an hour. She couldn’t move. She felt weak. She didn’t trust her body or what she would do to herself if she moved away from there. She just sat there and cried. Passers-by were beginning to approach her and ask her if she was alright and she looked up and wiped her tears and just said, “I am alright. I just want to feel peace. Don’t worry, I will go away from here soon.”
She took her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it. The Bible app on her phone had a notification with her daily Bible verses. She clicked on it. Today’s verse was, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. -Psalms 23:4”
She scrolled through her contact list and dialled her best friend’s number.